Online dating is the phoenomena of the 21'st century. Who would ever have thought it possible to find a mate for life through the internet, initiating a relationship and forming bonds of love all without meeting the other partner? A Straits Times article entitled "Online Dating version 2.0" was published this Monday, heralding the introduction of enhanced online dating services. Now, you can find your true love all while sitting down and typing! It's fuss free (browse through hundreds of profiles at a blink of an eye!), simple (double-click to open a conversation window and flirt using realtime games and virtual rooms!), and best of all, you can terminate the relationship/contact immediately (close the online conversation window with your prospective partner if you don't like him!) - all while remaining perfectly anonymous because YOU control what you want to put on your profile or reveal about yourself. With instant connections or rejections and wide flexibility and options on how to date, love has become readily simplified for the immediate-gratification generation of today.
Actually, I felt sad while reading this article. 'What has the world come to?' I asked myself. With online dating, there is a complete disregard for the rules of human interaction. Love has become more impersonal because it is so readily 'available' now. Besides, I believe that you can't truly know a person if you don't meet them face-to-face. You can't pick up on non-verbal cues (), quirks, and mannerisms that the person possesses. You don't know how his perceptual set works and how he will immediately respond to situations, revealing his true personality. There are many things that can only be discovered through careful observation and time.
Deception can easily materialise in online relationships. There is no way of knowing whether a person is lying or not, because one can't pick up on the tell-tale signs of lying, all of which depend on non-verbal cues. For example, if the person blinks rapidly and can't look at you in the eye (oculesics), or if he displays adaptors like chewing his lip (kinesics), or if his speech seems tremelous and stuttery (paralanguage). It is also so easy to cut off all contact and avoid him/her should conflict arise because you can simply stay away from the computer. Hence relational dissolution often occurs with online relationships - it's difficult to establish trust and a sense of closeness in a relationship (haptics) if you can't physically thrive on a person's physical proximity (proxemics), have no way of knowing the truth, and are able to end the relationship immediately anyways.
Relational needs and dialectics are hard to be determined since a great degree of autonomy is possible from online relationships - majority of people's time is spent away from the comp ( the dilemma of autonomy v.s. connection). Also, since it is hard to establish a sense of intimacy through online relationships, the dilemma of intimacy v.s. distance is tricky to balance too - one might need much more effort to get the amount of intimacy they desire. I suppose the dilemma of openness v.s. closeness can be resolved because people can disclose as much or as little as they want - but the lack of combined intimacy might diminish the novelty of such confessions. Lastly, the dilemma of novelty v.s. predictability exists because internet conversations can become routine and very boring since there are limited ways to interact online.
WHAT AM I SAYING?? Well, basically, I abhor internet relationships and find them very messy and complicated to pursue. I believe that old is gold, and that some things should just be done the old fashioned way, human relationships included. Let's all stick to the basis of human interaction, and communicate face-to-face okay? It's the least cowardly and most direct form of communication.
18 comments:
my sentiments exact.
i think that the popularity of online dating stems from the low self esteem and insecurities of our society. when we hide behind the anonymity of the computer screen, we are protecting ourselves from getting hurt by the other party.
yes, it can be argued that self preservative is in our DNA, but what love do we experience when we choose to always stay on the safe side of the continuum? doesn't the experience of love also constitute heartache?
off-line relationships are real life tests of things to come when marriage happens. if we choose to go through these tests with the power of Ctrl+Z (for non geeks, that's the undo function), then what are we going to do when problems occur during marriage?
well, apparently the Ctrl+Z of marriage is Ctrl+D. D for Divorce!
The concept of how online relationships can actually work is alien to me.If you've jsut met the person online and then go on to meet up and date then fair enough. However, if you continue to only date the person - if you can call it dating - online, in chat mediums, how are you ever going to know what the person is actually like? A lot of people are vastly different in real life and cyberspace. Some are direct opposites of their true personality when they are on the keyboard. Also, misunderstandings are bound to be plentiful because sometimes, it's not what you say, it's how you say it, and the all important non-verbal cues are all lost in cyberspace.
At the rate new online dating services are cropping up, who knows? Maybe one day Apple will come up with the iDate where you can google search your soulmate. Now wouldn't that be convenient?
Personally, I am all right with online dating. Correct me if I am wrong, but I see little difference between all these new dating sites and the matchmaking companies of old.
Not to flustered up about this.
However, what is important is that the 2 parties meet up in real life after meeting online. As you have already pointed out, it is ridiculous to base everything you know about that person from what you see online. Therefore, it is imperative that their relationship is not restricted to the virtual world. The one advantage of the traditional matchmaking method is that you get to actually meet the person.
If both parties do not meet up, then I think that the only people that should be blamed is themselves, not the Internet and the anonymity it provides. After all, only fools go marching in blindly. I am sure this is really common sense.
online dating! my area of expertise!
i am not saying that i am totally into online dating or matchmaking services, just feel that interpersonal relationships should not only be restricted in real life situations. technology has increased the chances of people meeting a soulmate, even those who are not in proximity with us. but yes, i do agree with bryan. a mere cyber world relationship is nonsense, there will not be any outcome from it. i still believe it is possible to meet the 'special one' who is out there somewhere, be it in the real world or on the internet.
I agree with you. However, i think people probably will meet up in person somewhere along the way in the relationship and that would strengthen the relationship with face to face communications. Perhaps initiating an relationship online won't be that bad if they do meet up and carry on.
personally, i cannot relate love to online dating sites.
the very fact that the individuals choose to look for an "ideal" partner within the comforts of their own desktop speaks a lot about their lifestyle and personality.
most importantly, that particular individual does not even bother to commit.
doesn't one have to "commit" himself or herself to a relationship?
next, would you date someone who is so lazy that he or she doesn't want to step out of their homes to meet people? or maybe it's the lack of self confidence?
well, unless your ideal mate is lazy or someone who dare not to even interact with people, i guess you wouldn't find these online dating sites interesting.
assuming that these people coop themselves up at home all day long, do u suppose they have much sense of fun?
or maybe you're looking for a boring date.
of course these judgments are passed based on the assumption that these people do not have a "real" social life.
what about those with a "real" social life?
well, there can only be 2 reasons why they're still busy looking for a mate online.
either they just cannot attract anyone in reality (a lot can be inferred from this)
Or, they just want to flirt around online without the knowledge of their other half in the "real" world.
well, if any of the above personality traits are to your liking, you should definitely try online dating ;)
i totally agree with you here.
I never did and will believe that a relationship can be established via the internet.
If it is the best possible way, then The Great One would have given handed Adam and Eve a computer each instead of locating them both at the Garden of Eden.
However, the internet gives people a chance to socailize and with that bring them together. Who knows? One's soulmate may be found via the Net. My point is, it is possible to find that someone on the internet but to maintain and establish a relationship just by mere alphabets, "kisses" and "hugs". One doesn't need a PHD in interpersonal relationships or love to reason that it jolly well won't work out.
I agree with Bryan about the point that by dating online one will never get to know what the person is really like. In my view, I think that online dating is risky as a lot of information can only be known through cyberspace. There is indeed a lack of face to face communication and one cannot assure that information given by the other party is true...
Basically I'm just expressing my distaste for how people will purposely look to start a relationship online, and not through the medium of real-life direct interaction (hence the online dating agencies). It smacks of laziness and possibly insecurity, IMO. So yes, I agree with what diet whipped cream is saying about how looking for love through the internet can infer a person's personality somewhat.
I believe that if a person is sincere enough about looking for a relationship, he should first and foremost give it a shot in the 'real' world. There should be no such excuse that there's just no time anymore because of work or other commitments. This attitude indeed showcases a lack of commitment and seriousness.
Nice read! I agree in the fact that love is experienced only when you are willing to risk. A close relationship is formed when both parties are willing to reveal, and be vulnerable. To stay in the safe confines of dating websites is the direct irony of this.
Regards,
Shawn Lee Wei Bin
yeah i too feel that online dating is voided of the personal touch. and i feel that cyber dating will not work as it lacks an important aspect of a humans life, touch. although the invention of webcams and all has brough people "closer" together but standing next to one person in real life is totally different from looking at your screen. i feel that dating should be face to face!
I have always had my doubts about such things. Very skeptical indeed. Why? Behind the comfort of your computer screen, you become anyone you want. Just recently my friend was telling me of his supposed 'relationship" with this girl from London. He is 18, but was yet again SUPPOSEDLY a 28 year old from Australia. Probability of meeting someone "safe" online is very low. Something i would NEVER rsort to if you ask me.
i echo your thoughts!
i personally am not a big fan of online communication, because everything is a mystery online!
many yrs ago, i had a friend who was into online games such as yahoo pool etc, and one of her opponents in a pool game claimed to be Tom Felton (the teen who acted as Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter series), telling her all about his hectic schedule, home-schooling and whatnots.
sounds totally absurd? that's exactly what i told her.
but noooo, the poor girl continued this little game of penpal-ling cyberspace style, till she finally woke up to reality and felt like a fool, having been cheated of her feelings.
i think it's sad how some people gullibly believe that the online media does wonders and get cheated out of it, and how some business thrive by playing on these poor people's feelings thru exaggerated compliments of the online world.
these people should wake up and realize that no, fairy tales are not for everyone. [not via the internet, that is. :) ]
Yes. It indeed is unbelievable the lengths that some people will go through to impersonate another person on the internet and deceive the poor receiver. That's also why I feel the anonymity of the internet is a bad thing - because you will never know if who you are talking to is definitely all that he/she is saying. Typing declarations out on the screen is one thing, but to judge for yourself the truth in person is another.
hear ye, hear ye! yea kris, i totally agree. i guess the whole lying-on-the-internet thing is widespread, because the same thing happened to a friend of mine. she was so in 'love' with this dude she met online. later when she met up with him in real life, wha. he turned out to be a real loser. not charismatic or anything, and he was very controlling of her.
people can also differ a lot in their personalities in real life and online. i only talk to some people in real life and not online, because they can be totally boring on the internet screen. yet, in real life they are fantastic. so... yea, face-to-face interaction is best.
I totally agree with your post! I do not think or will ever feel that online dating is good. I always hold the belief that face to face communication is the best in a relationship.
Like what you have pointed out in the whole of your article, it is almost impossible to have a normal relationship through online. I mean, the very first of all, there is simple NO EYE CONTACT (oculesics)! How can you know who you are talking to? how can you know whether the person is also interested in you? How can you tell whether the person's lying? With much of the non-verbal cues obstructed, truth in a relationship is hard to maintain.
This online dating has made love in humans become so robotic. You can just 'switch off or on' a relationship. This, I feel will result in people becoming more cold-heart. Like we have enough warmth.
So I will protest against such online dating services strongly as I feel relationships should not be crried out in this manner.
Hey Jake, I totally agree about how people can be charismatic in real life, yet be a total bore on the internet. It seems that without the non-verbal cues that give speech life (the tonality - paralinguistics, kinesics, oculesics, and even haptics because people feel closer to each other when they can have physical touch), communication somehow seems more dead.
Emoticons or animations can only do so much on an internet screen. The impact of written words and verbal speech will never be the same. Imagine if Martin Luther King had never said his speech out loud, but merely written it and posted it onto the net. It would never be as inspirational as if he'd expelled it out to the masses. Hence I believe everything is more meaningful (the forming of relationships included) when done without the confines of the internet.
Post a Comment